IN MEMORY OF MY BELOVED DAD
22ND MAR 2003
AL-FATEHAH
When the date reached 22nd Mar every year, the thought of my beloved dad came to my mind. My father was one of the most important people in my entire life. There was no one like him so I wanted to dedicate a memorial to him on this particular entry. For those who have experienced loss, there isn't much you can do except remember the good times and carry that person's spirit in your heart. I've been doing that since the day I lost my beloved father. I hope all the net people can appreciate me doing this. I'm mainly putting this here for people who have lost a loved one, and also so I can remind myself of the goodness in this man. I hope that I can help reflect some feelings that you may have as well about someone who you held close to your heart. Dad meant the world to my mother and I. So, this one's for you Dad.
I've often found that sharing in the pain can sometimes be as healing as getting an ease to any sorrows .I was on my way home from werk and the uncertainty of going elsewhere alone, when I was told my father passed away and I swear I felt my sanity slip away. The world just turn blank on me, and without any sense of humanity, I stole a cab from an innocent soul and take all means to be there. However, I didn't make it on time, and its only abt 10 mins when I found out I was late. I have never expect losing my dad in this way, and it felt like the world lost all sense of time and seemed so unkind . The only thing I regretted is not having me beside him when he took his last breath, to beg for his forgiveness, to be there to caress him and say 'everything will be aright'. Everytime I think of this, there will be a pinning pain right thru my heart that wouldn't stop. I miss him so terribly and I keep praying that the least that I could wish for now is to have him in my dreams, to hug him, kiss him, and beg for his forgivessness. Ya, allah, aku bershukur sedikit mimpi yg kau kabulkan kepada ku adalah nikmat. And so HE did. Thereafter, I had a fever for a week, probably bcoz the bitterness is unbearable and that Im still being defeated by the deep emotional state. No one or nothing can make me feel better at that moment except prayers within me and my dad.
My first part of the healing process when my dad passed away and to TRY and pretend that I could somehow get through things without him around. I HAD to get in touch with enough emotions to be able to put my father behind, yet NEVER forget him. It's really an impossible thing to do when you love someone so much that you just can't live without them. That is when it comes down to what I believe. You can't fight fate. What is done cannot be undone. You can't change it, and there is nothing you can do to reconcile it except to find some peace within yourself. Ive always believe that he had to go becoz god luvs him very much, and HE wants to put a stop to his sufferings, so much that only a true man could embrace life with full of grace despite the pain and sufferings that he went through. He is the true man that had taught me that the strength is within us.
For only I knew, he is one true man that I called 'ayah'.
